Today is moving day for me; I am packing up my prize possessions (Xbox, Computer, my teddybear, etc) and moving to a new place that's closer to the office. The new place is a pilot-house; owned by a guy who flies for a regional airline, and I'll be sharing the basement with a former co-worker from when I flew air ambulance. It's about 5 minutes away from my corporate office so that's handy. A real selling point is that the new place gets ultra-super-mega highspeed internet - 10megabit to be precise. That means I can download at 1,200K/sec which will put a full CD in my hands in less than 10 minutes, or a DVD movie in about an hour. But none of that is relevant, I got sidetracked. Here's the meat:

My previous place was also a basement suite and it was closer to the airport. It had a 52" tv built into the wall, and came with a nice surround-sound stereo system. Now I have to buy a TV and a stereo as I made the tactical error of loaning mine to the lovely Lisa for her apartment, and I realize I can't take 'em back. My stay at the old place has been interesting to say the least.

When I first moved in, I met the landlords; a young woman, her boyfriend and their toddler, who is super-cute. She said they worked at a local racetrack and the kid was babysat by granny (who also lived upstairs).

I quickly noticed a few unusual things about my living situation. We had two parking spots in the driveway, and they were always full but the cars weren't the same from day to day. Sometimes it would be a Jeep, sometimes a Civic, and there would be an old Cadillac parked there every Monday and Friday morning.

Hey, they are social people, right. No big deal there. Only sometimes I wouldn't see either mommy or daddy in the living room, just silent middle-aged men sitting quietly or watching tv. They would acknowledge me with a grunt, but generally wouldn't look me in the eye.

I also soon noticed that daddy didn't actually live upstairs. There was a nice family picture of them on the table just inside the front door, but apparently he spent his nights elsewhere. A couple of days later, I saw where daddy lived.

He lives next door, with a woman and their 3 kids. All the kids are older than the one who lives upstairs, and it seems as if they are his - he is a different race than either of the mothers and it's reflected in the children.

Okay, so he had a one-nighter with the woman next door (my landlady) and knocked her up, and rather than go on Jerry Springer they decided to deal with it. Except it gets weirder.

I noticed that the lady upstairs doesn't go out much at all. I couldn't figure out what hours she worked, cause she basically never leaves.

I twigged as to what was happening one day after work. I arrived home and walked into the living room to head downstairs (we share a common entrance, and the door to my apartment was right by the kitchen). A guy who was sitting watching tv said "Hey, I"m here for 6:30. What time are you in for?" I guess he thought I was trying to cut in line or something. I told him I was just there to fix the furnace, and walked downstairs.

After the man's 6:30 appointment had come and gone, I went upstairs to talk to my landlady. The convo went something like this:

Me (cheeks burning red) "Umm, so, I have noticed some things about here..."
Her (matter-of-factly) "Sully, I should have told you before, but I didn't want to scare you off. I sort of give massages and relief to lonely men. "
Me "Oh. Okay."
I had no idea what to say next, so I excused myself and went downstairs.

It gets weirder.

My freakout meter was approaching 11, and I was trying to think of ways to cope when the decision was made very simple.

A quick note on the layout of my suite downstairs: The washing machine room was adjacent to my room, and they normally did laundry on weekends (when I am away) so as not to disturb me.

I was sitting downstairs in my shorts, playing Xbox when granny walked into my room, carrying some bedsheets and wearing a red frilly bra with pink fur on it, and a black and red set of panties.

"Sorry, we had an accident and I have to wash these right now."

Yeah, that's right. I said granny.

I gave my notice the next morning, and now today is moving day!

No, they didn't offer me a deal to stay. No, I won't tell you where this place is. They already have a new tenant lined up, a medical student going to a nearby university. Maybe he'll be able to get 'em a deal on penicillin and anti-retrovirals.