Stuck microphones can be hilarious, or they can be awful. I guess it depends on which end you're on.

The following stories have mild expletives, so if that offends you, tune in tomorrow for a different post.

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It was 1999 and we were flying flying back from Hamilton to Goderich in our Baron, C-GPAA. I forget who was in the left seat, but Scurvydog was aboard and we were chatting about various gross things like guys tend to do. Our standard route was direct from Hamilton to Goderich at 6,000', and we were heading straight home when we got an unexpected 30 degree vector for oncoming traffic. We turned to the left and continued talking about some things that had occured when I flew in Northern Saskatchewan - messy things, things that aren't mentioned in mixed company, things that might make people mistakenly think I'm a total pig.

We had been chatting for about 5 minutes when I noticed that our air traffic controller hadn't cleared us back direct to Goderich. I was in full bloom, and announced to Scurvydog "Man, this controller sucks. I mean, Helloooo, how about direct Goderich. Jaysus, if he was here, I'd stick my fist up his ass"

It was then that we both noticed the little green light on our COM1 radio, the one that indicates when we are transmitting, was lit up.

I fumbled with my microphone push-to-talk switch, clicked it a few times, and the light went out.

"PAA, you have had a stuck mic for the past 5 minutes. Watch your language and contact Toronto Center on 135.3"

"I am so, so sorry sir. If you need me, I'll be in the back of the plane with my head in my hands"

"Don't worry about it. Over to center now on 135.3"

As it so happened, a bunch of Scurvydog's friends were flying that night and were on frequency. He fielded a lot of phone calls asking for "The fist of fury" over the next few weeks.

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It was 2005, and we were finishing up my airborne training on the Citation II. As it was my first jet type rating, I had to do 3 takeoffs and landings as well as some emergency procedures in the actual airplane, and we elected to go to Peterborough for that. The training went fine, and we were returning to Pearson when we were told by center to switch over to Toronto arrival.

We did, and heard this...

"Hey, is that Citation on frequency yet? When he flips over I'll ask him what runway he wants and give him the opposite! Ha ha ha! I wonder if they want to be screwed with or without a condom. Wait, what's going on..."

Then the controller's stuck mic was cut off, and we heard

"(our registration) are you on frequency?"

"Yes sir. We are hoping for runway 5, and we'd prefer it if you used a condom"

"Roger, expect runway 5 and contact arrival on (whatever frequency)"

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So you see, it all depends on which end you are on. The first story wasn't funny at all, but the second one was pretty hilarious :)